Big Russ Dominates Long Eared Loungers, 78 to 56
In the highly anticipated first game of the “Championship” season, Big Russ did not disappoint. Commissioner Ruszkowski’s first victory came at the expense of the mysteriously absent Lounger owner, Tim “Oh man, I’m stuck in Oman” Hinman. After repeated attempts to contact Hinman at the State department, this reporter was finally rebuked by Secretary of State Colin Powell, and visited by the FBI. Yes, an anal probe is just as bad as it sounds.

The Long Eared Loungers did post the week 1 low score, and will be the provider of a shiny $5 bill to the week 1 champion. The currency will be inspected closely to make sure it’s legal U.S. currency, and not a collection of sticks or other wampum being used in Oman.

The Smokin’ Bonecrushers Smoke Bone
After dishing-out a subdued amount of smack talk this season (lovingly noticed by Drunken Punks owner Scott Roecker in a whiny post to the league site), The Smokin’ Bonecrushers have gone down faster than **enter rude comment here**.

Greg Michels, owner of the LZ Historians (definitely the gayest team name) and brother-in-law of the defeated Wheeler, whaled with a score of 108 to Wheeler’s 87.

Monkeys Don’t Stand a Chance against Hired Goons
Even with a phenomenal performance from Trunk Monkeys’ QB Daunte Culpepper (41), Shawn Franz (a.k.a. Ugandan Underground) was stifled by Fast Eddie’s Hired Goons. After the decisive victory, Goon owner Jason Segreti was caught describing the beating: “Goons like to use bats and tire irons, and I encourage that.”

Fast Eddie was also able to muster the top score of the week (110), and will be the recipient of the sweaty $5 bill from Long Eared Loungers.

G-Man: Balls Busted
G-Man’s solid week 1 performance was not enough against the Ball Busters. With a score of 99, the Ball Busters vaulted to 1st place in the Orange Division (along with Fast Eddie and the Drunken Punks). G-Man fell into the Orange Division basement with the Kama Sutra Kobras. That’s definitely not how you want to start the season.

The Kama Sutra: Definitely NOT a Football Manual
The Kama Sutra Kobras (77) were annihilated in week 1 by the Drunken Punks (109). “There’s always next week” is the new mantra for the Kobras as the gear-up for a week 2 contest against league-leading Fast Eddie’s Hired Goons.

Maybe a name change to the “Coaches Playbook” Kobras is in order -- just a thought.

League News:
I am currently putting-together the content for MY website (www.rusrus.com). Since the sportsline site holds the stats, don’t expect too much “new” information on my site.

Confidence Pool:
Since we’re dropping the lowest three weeks, there’s still time to get in (you’ll obviously want to drop your week 1 zero). Let me know if you’re interested, and I’ll help you get connected. Week 1 leader is Wheeler (111 points), but it’s a 17-week contest, so anything can happen.

If you’d like to submit an article for publication, let me know. The goal is for Tuesday morning release – so, get me your submissions before then.

Commish.

 

week 1 newsletter
download .pdf newsletter here